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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 21:59:17 GMT -5
Narrator: Once Upon a Time in Hell, a powerful ruler named Krichevskoy died. Chaos, anarchy and a bunch of other bad stuff resulted, until the time finally came for the ruler's bratty son to take up the reins of power. Laharl: Let me finish my nap first..Zzzzzzz. Etna: Wakey, wakey, Prince! Laharl: Five more minutes... Etna: You've had TWO YEARS. Laharl: The hell? I've been asleep for two years? WHY DIDN'T MY ALARM GO OFF? Etna: Beats me. Oh, and your father's dead and a bunch of other demons are vying for his throne, so if you want to consolidate your power and rule and stuff, you're going to have to go out and crack some skulls. Laharl: I'd like to start with yours. Etna: You can't. I'm your only vassal. Well, aside from the Prinnies I hired. Laharl: Prinnies? Prinny Squad: Dood! Laharl: Oh Anti-thesis of God! You mean to tell me my current forces consist of a goth chick and a bunch of wise-cracking, exploding penguins? Something tells me this whole "consolidating power" thing is going to be an uphill battle. Etna: You don't know the half of it. Well, shall we go conquer the first castle? Laharl: If by "conquer", you mean, "steal everything that isn't nailed down" then sure. Prinny Squad: Dood! Five-finger discount time! Laharl: You idiots don't HAVE fingers--Wait... There's someone in this castle... Sassy Demon: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Laharl: Someone VERY GAY, from the sound of it. Sassy Demon: Ah, so visitor's have come to invade moi's house. I am Vyers, the "Dark Adonis!" Etna: We're underwhelmed. *yawn* Vyers: So, son of Krichevskoy, you have come to challenge moi! Laharl: Not really, but if you want, I'll call you Mid-Boss, treat you like the comic relief figure you apparently are, and kick your ass from here to Sunday. Mid-Boss: Mid-Boss? C-Comic relief? I'll show you! *A SHORT BATTLE AND LOTS OF FLAMENCO MUSIC LATER* Mid-Boss: Well, you may have won THIS round, short round, but this is not the last you'll be seeing of moi! *runs* Laharl: A have a sinking feeling you may be right. Aw well. Time to bring home our booty. Etna: Um, I have to make a pit-stop. Bye! Prinny Squad: Why does that girl always run off when there's work to be done, Dood? Big Sis Prinny: Because she's smarter than the rest of us put together. Etna: And more devious. Let us not forget devious. ?: That's certainly true. Although I'm sure I can trust you to help me carry out my eeeeeevil plan to kill Prince Laharl and usurp the throne. Etna: You can count on me, O mysterious one....(Sucker)....
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:00:26 GMT -5
Narrator: Celestia, a place where angels live. Said to be connected to the Netherworld and the human world by several nexi--er--nexuxesess... Here is one such nexu--er...place. Seraph: Flonne! Where ARE you? Flonne: You rang, Master Lamington? Seraph: Yes I did. I have an important job for you, but first, let's take a nature break. Flonne: Ahhh...Flowers! I love flowers! They're so pretty and lively! I'd like to be just like them someday... Seraph: You know how they say you should be careful what you wish for, Flonne... Flonne: Eh? What do you mean, Master Lamington? Seraph: .....Nothing. Let's get down to business. For your first assignment as an Angel Trainee, I want you to go down into the Netherworld and whack King Krichevskoy. Flonne: Whack King Krichevskoy? Seraph: Yes. Terminate with extreme prejudice...Now, scoot... Flonne: Um....Oooookay... Vulcanus: Master Lamington! What in the hell were you thinking, sending that little screw-up, Flonne, to assassinate King Krichevskoy? Seraph: You think you would have made a better assassin? Vulcanus: Let's see... scary face, built like a brick shithouse with wings, voice that can crush gravel--yeah, I think I possess more of the necessary qualities required of your typical anime-style assassin... Seraph: Yes, but you lack the two things necessary for the successful completion of this mission... The ability to look cute, and the ability to make unusual sneaking noises. Flonne: Wumph! PH33R my mad ninja NINJA SKILLZ! Nin nin! HA! I made it into the throne room! Although.... now I find myself running smack into an ethical dilemna concerning the morality of my mission. Not the most convenient of times for this to be happening... Laharl: Not to worry. My unexpected entrance and our comical first meeting ought to distract you from your inner tension. Flonne: Hey, you're right. They did. Thanks for all your help...... Welp. G'bye! Laharl: Oh no you don't! Guards! Guards! Etna: You rang? Laharl: Yes! After that assassin! Etna: You mean that cute little angel chick? Aww, was-ums scared by the cute wittwe angew? Laharl: Shut it, you. And go capture her! Flonne: Oh no! Trapped! Time to call up my army of--- Zombies: Aroooooo.... Flonne: Zombies? Oookay... I was hoping for something less slimy and disgusting and more "Pokemon-y", but this will do in a pinch, I guess... MEANWHILE, IN CELESTIA Seraph: Who goes there? ?: It's me. Your old pal. ?. Seraph: Oh, hi, ?. Any news? How are things progressing? ?: Well enough. Have Flonne and Laharl hooked up yet? Seraph: If by "hooked up" you mean, "engaging in a farcical wild-goose chase across an entire level", then yes. ?: Ah. Eeeeexcellent. It's all falling into place. *Mr. Burns Finger-Twiddle* Flonne: Oh no! They're still coming! Looks like I'll have to cast a sleep spell on them! Etna: Which I will counter using a fireball! Flonne: Which I will then counter using a mirror spell! Laharl: Girls. This doesn't look very-- BURN!!! CRACKLE!!! *DEEP CRISPY-FRY* Laharl: ...safe... Etna: Oops. Sorry. Laharl: My hair! It's ruined! You how HARD it is to shape hair into a set of perfect rabbit ears? Even ANIME hair? Oooh! Someone's gonna die! Flonne: Meep. A dead end. Laharl: "Dead" is right... Flonne: Ah! *giggle* But I have one more ace up my sleeve! Dragon: Grrrrr!!! Etna: That's some ace. Looks more like a dragon. Laharl: Ace or dragon. Anything that comes up against me is gonna get trashed! *INTENSE BATTLE* Dragon: Blarg! *dies* Flonne: Ulp! Laharl: Ha! You will regret the day you decided to pick a fight with the great Laharl! Flonne: The great La-whozit, now? Etna: Uhhh. I think we might have a case of mistaken identity here... Flonne: What? Your father, King Krichevskoy is already dead? *sniff* How sad... Laharl: Why are you crying, you ditz!? YOU were gonna kill him! Flonne: Yes but....I'm thinking how sad YOU must be...losing him like that... Laharl: You've got some serious toys in your attic, blondie. And just WHY would I be sad? Flonne: Because you loved him. You DID love him, right? Laharl: Hellooo. I'm a demon. Love kind of goes against everything I stand for... Flonne: How sad. *sniffle* Laharl: Great. You're starting to sound just like my dead mother. (Oh and thanks SO MUCH for reminding me of my tragic backstory, by the way. You little freak.) Flonne: I've decided! I have a new mission! I must stay here and determine whether or not demons really ARE capable of feeling love! And if it turns out that they aren't, well....then I'm afraid I'll have to kill you, Prince. Mind? Laharl: Not at all. Be my guest.... Etna: Well things certainly have taken a strange turn around here... But hey, this might work out in my favor, so I'll shut up and roll with it.
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:02:08 GMT -5
Laharl: Forget it Etna! There's NO way I'm paying your Prinnies salary... Etna: But they work for me and I in turn work for you. So in fact, they're YOUR vassals. I think it's whatcha call "trickle-down economics." Laharl: A more accurate name for it would be "highway robbery". Alright. Fine. I'll pay their salary. But I ain't using MY money. I'll just find the richest guy in Hell and get the money from him. So, Miss Knowitall... Where's the richest guy in Hell? Etna: Lesseee... Donald Trump and Bill Gates haven't kicked off yet, so as of now, the richest guy in hell would be...some pig dude who lives in a solid gold mansion. Laharl: Great! Let's form a raiding party! Etna: Righty-o! Flonne: So... I take it you demons aren't ones to let little things like "morals" and "ethics" stand in the way of achieving your goals... Etna: Nope. Not when it comes to achieving our FINANCIAL goals, anyway. Laharl: Gee. Most of the stuff in here looks pretty familiar... Etna: That's because most of it was stolen from the castle after the King died. Laharl: Grrrr! If it's one thing I can't stand, it's a thief!........ Alrightie then..... Let's clean this place out. Prinny Squad: Aye-aye, Dood! Flonne: Gee. Netherworld Prinnies sure are a lot different than Celestial Prinnies. Celestial Prinnies, for instance, aren't required to engage in Grand Larceny on a regular basis. Etna: True. But no matter where they live, all Prinnies are the same--in that they all have the souls of human sinners living inside of them. Flonne: Really? Etna: Yeah. They work their asses off until they've earned the right to be reincarnated. Think of it sort of as a cosmic work-release program... Flonne: I see but...Just why are they so concerned about earning money? It's not like it's all that important. Etna: What ARE you, a communist? Money is honey, dearie. More so here in the Netherworld than anywhere else. Flonne: ....But what about love and friendship and flowers and sunshine and puppydogs and--? Etna: Sheesh. You ARE a communist. Laharl: Hey look! A painting of my old man... Flonne: He looks just like you...if you were older, taller, and had some sort of Snidely Whiplash mustache thing going on. Etna: Shut it, you! He was a great man. Flonne: So... How'd he die? Etna: Choked to death on a black pretzel. Flonne: Holy George W. Bush, Batgirl! (If he was really THAT fragile, it's no wonder the Seraph felt comfortable sending someone like ME to assassinate him.) Hoggmeiser: MON-AY... It's a gas... Grab that cash with both hands and make a stash.... Laharl: Knock knock.. Hoggmeiser: Who's there? Laharl: Your sneaker-wearing, spiky-haired DOOM. Hoggmeiser: It's the King's son. Oh that's riiight... In my campaign to become the next Overlord, it appears I accidentally left out the all-important step of wiping out the next in line to the throne. Oh well. Better late than never. Laharl: Come get some, Porky! Flonne: Oh dear. So this is what demons are really like... Etna: Ooh. Your powers of deduction are exceptional. I can't allow you to waste them here when there are so many crimes going unsolved at this very moment. Go, go, for the good of the city! Laharl: Ha! I win. Fry, Piggy! Hoggmeiser: *cowardly squeal* Flonne: So, Laharl...You're going to ruin the whimsical, light-hearted tone of this whole game just so you can carry out your own selfish, bloody vendetta... Laharl: I see for once, you're actually paying ATTENTION to current events, Love Freak. Hoggmeiser's son: ..... Laharl: Hey, you must be the Pig Dude's son-- Hoggmeiser's son: *BIG SPARKLY EYE QUIVER* Laharl: Stop looking at me with those puppy-dog eyes! Or I'll turn you into a side of bacon! Flonne: Don't you get it, Laharl? He loves his Dad... Why won't you accept love? Is there something in your past which keeps you from allowing it into your heart? Laharl: I don't think so. Let's see... *FLASHBACK* Laharl's Father: So son... Just wonderin'. Do you love me? Laharl: Hell no. Laharl's Father: I'm cool with that. For now. *END FLASHBACK* Laharl: Well, gee. That was pointless. I learned absolutely NOTHING from that...Let's see...where was I?...Oh yeah.. It's Bacon Time.........or at least... it WOULD be if I weren't so distracted by my own conscience... Damn that Love Freak...Aw hell. Let's just grab the goods and go home. Flonne: You mean you're not going to kill the Pig Dude? Laharl: No. In fact, I'll even leave him and the kid some money. Happy now? Flonne: Very. It means now that I won't have to kill you. Laharl: You mean it means you won't have to be killed by ME. Flonne: Whatever. It's my turn to have a flashback now. *FLASHBACK* Flonne: Master Lamington. Is it true that all demons are evil? Seraph: No. And not all angels are good. In fact, all races as a whole are pretty morally ambiguous, although some people choose to be bigger jerks than others. *END FLASHBACK* Flonne: Ain't that the truth...Laharl certainly showed how big a jerk HE can be today. Although, I did see a small hint of kindness. Not much, but I'm sure it's enough so that, by using my Holy Powers of Consummate Nagging, I can eventually make him see the light.
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:03:33 GMT -5
Vulcanus: So... Flonne the Ditz managed to escape the demons. Probably by using her feminine wiles on them, (which-- admittedly-- seems a ridiculous thing to say, considering she has all the sex appeal of a Care Bear.) Anyway, it seems that Krichevskoy was already dead. But Flonne hasn't returned so... I'll immediately jump to conclusions and say it's because she wants to use the demons to take control of Celestia. That's it! There's no other explanation (aside from the thousands of other more PLAUSIBLE explanations that I won't even consider because they're not nearly paranoid-sounding enough for my tastes.) Vulcanus: Gee. Hell stinks. And it's a mess, too. Lookie there...some demon just left this book lying around. Book: *Flash* Vulcanus: Ooh. Pink. Shiny. Must...resist.... temptation...to read book...or... explain...its significance.... Must...close book... resume search for...ditzy....angel.... Flonne: Seeyyahhseeeyaahhhhh... Vulcanus: It's Flonne! I found her! Oh God. Even her SNORING'S unbearably cute.... Welp, I'll take her magic pendant and then she'll be screwed. Ha! Flonne: Uh-oh. Someone stole my pendant. Laharl: Wasn't us. Flonne: I know. If you had wanted to take something from me, you wouldn't have bothered to be sneaky about it. Etna: She has a point, there. Flonne: I want you to help me find it. Laharl: I ain't your slave. Flonne: But... I'll die without it. Etna: Gee, sucks to be you. Laharl: Sure does. Flonne: I'll give you something good if you help me find my pendant. Something "very special." Laharl: Something "very special" eh? Etna: Get your mind out of the gutter, Prince. This ain't no hentai game. Laharl: Fool! That wasn't what I was thinking! Alright, Love Freak. I'll help you, but what you have to give me had better be good. Flonne: Oh...uh... yeah..... It WILL be... Etna: Damn! Who knew Hell could be so HOT? Laharl: Look at this. A feather. Flonne: An angel feather. From a high-ranking angel. Laharl: "Rank" is right. Phew! Etna: Gee, you think that angel could've stolen Flonne's pendant? Laharl: Only one way to find out... Etna: Are we there yet? I'm baking in this outfit! Laharl: Etna, if that outfit of yours were any skimpier, this WOULD be a hentai game. Etna: I bet Flonne has it worse in that frilly Lolita getup... Flonne: Actually, no. I'm doing okay. One of the Prinnies gave me some medicine. Etna: Feh. The only thing those Prinnies have ever given ME was a headache. Laharl: So, Love Freak... This Seraph guy who is your boss. What's he like? Flonne: He's kind and he loves flowers and poems and... Laharl: Yeah yeah yeah... What I want to know is, what would be the most efficient way to kill him...you know...in case I ever find myself in a situation where such knowledge would be useful? Flonne: Ehhh... Etna: So you look up to the Seraph, eh, Flonne? The object of MY hero-worship is the late king. Laharl: What about me? Etna: Ehhh... Laharl: Tell me, Etna. WHY do I continue to let you work for me? Vulcanus: Mwa-ha-ha! Flonne's gotta be toast by now! Pendant: *SHINE* *SIZZLE* Vulcanus: Yeouch! Hot potato! *toss* I'm sure the fact that it's burning me isn't a significant plot point! Mid-Boss: Ouch! Something hit me. Ooh...Shiny. Finders Keepers! Etna: Hey! Well if it isn't good ol' Mid-Boss! The comic relief. Mid-Boss: Well, if it isn't my rival, Prince Laharl. And the name's not "Mid-Boss" It's the "Dark Adonis." And I'm NOT the comic relief! I'm the mysterious, shadowy, Tuxedo Mask-like bishounen who alternately battles the heroes and helps them out secretly behind the scenes, all the while drinking in the adoration of millions of drooling fangirls! Etna: Congratulations, Mid-Boss. You just beat out Love Freak for this year's Crazy Award.... Flonne: My pendant! Mid-Boss: S'mine! And even though you you may be as cute as the thingyens, I won't let you have it back! Etna: Now you've just beat out Laharl for the "Selfish Bastard of the Year" award. Laharl: Etna, you are SO CLOSE to being fired right now... Flonne: My pendant will punish those who are wicked! Laharl: Yeah...so...why isn't it doing anything? Vyers: Because I am pure-hearted and beautiful, that's why! Please ...don't hate moi because I am beautiful! Laharl: What color is the sky in your world, Mid-Boss? Mid-Boss: Mid-Boss!? Ooh! You've called me that for the last time! *FLASHY INTENSE BATTLE* *TOTAL ASSWHUPPIN'* Mid-Boss: Well.. um... okay.. So maybe moi will have to endure it a little longer... Etna: For at least as long as the writers plan on keeping up this running joke... So, Mid-Boss, how'd you get ahold of the bandages and the crutch so quickly? Vyers: Nothing is impossible for the "Dark Adonis!" Whoops! *falls* Laharl: Except staying upright, apparently. Flonne: My pendant! He dropped it! Laharl: I got iiiii...oh shit... river of lava....forgot... Etna and Flonne: Uh-oh. Laharl: Relax. I'm the main character, remember? Here's your pendant, Blondie. Flonne: Yay! Laharl: Take it! My hand's burning. And I'm happy to say it's not because of the lava. It's because, according to the pendant, I'm a cruel muth'fugger. Flonne: If that's so, then why did you risk your life to get it for me? Laharl: For the reward. Duh. Flonne: Oh yeah.. Knew that would have to come up at some point... Ummm... Laharl: Where is it? Gimme gimme gimme. Flonne: I, uh... already.... gave it to you. Your reward was... the chance for you to do a good deed! Laharl: ..... Flonne: Tee hee. ^_^ Laharl: ..... Etna. Take the Crazy Award away from Mid-Boss and give it back to the Love Freak. Then give ME the award for "World's Most Pissed Off Demon Lord." Flonne: I'm so happy. Laharl DOES have love in his heart! <3 Etna: I guess so, seeing as how he just now resisted the urge to chop you up into angel sashimi. I guess it pays to be insanely optimistic sometimes. Vulcanus: Dammit! Flonne's still alive. Ah, she's a worthy adversary. I must plan a suitable defense against her evil machinations! Should take me...ohh... about eight chapters or so... *VANISH*
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:05:11 GMT -5
Etna: ...So I got pissed and kicked him right there. Flonne: Where is "there?" Etna: You know. The nuts. The nads. The junk. The hairy gumdrops... Flonne: Gee. This conversation's getting a little blue for it to be in a game aimed at children, isn't it? Etna: Naw. Unless you're talking about them girl thingy American children... Flonne: Ooh. Look A photo. Etna: Someone must've dropped it. Flonne: OMG ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! Etna: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Laharl: Hey, whatcha looklin' at? Etna: It's a photo of you doing something extremely depraved and embarrassing. But since we already stretched the games ERSB rating to it's limit with that "hairy gumdrops" exchange above, we're not allowed to show it. Laharl: AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Who TOOK THIS? Etna: There's a message on the back. Message: Dear Prince. I challenge you to a duel for the crown. Meet me in Jotenheim toot sweet, otherwise I'll have copies of this picture circulated around every schoolyard in the Netherworld. Etna: I smell a trap. Laharl: I smell BLOOD. Let's go! Imp: .... Laharl: What's this? Imp: .... Laharl: I see. So THIS is our enemy's idea of a trap. Lame. Imp: Love and Peace! Laharl: Urg! Imp: LOVE AND PEAACCCEEE!!!! Laharl: Gack! Flonne: What's wrong? Etna: Laharl gets weak whenever people start spouting off happy stuff. Flonne: Really? Does my saying LOVE and PEACE bother you, Laharl? Laharl: YES IT DOES!! There would be only one thing worse than YOU saying it--- Vash: LOVE AND PEACE!!!!! Laharl: YAARRGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Etna: Ooh. That was brutal. Flonne: Oh dear. Laharl's not looking too well... Laharl: How could the enemy have known my weakness? Etna: Gee.....uhh.....don't look at me. *whistles* *MEANWHILE* Seraph: So, we're still going to go ahead with this, even though things are getting more and more insane by the minute... ?: Of course. Geez. For an angel, you don't seem to be into this whole "faith" thing all that much. Seraph: That's because I know Flonne better than you do... *Sigh*... Oh well... I guess we'll just have to coast along and see what happens. Laharl: Well. We got past THAT hurdle. What awaits us next. I wonder? Sexy Demon: *Giggle* Awww. What a cutie! <3 Laharl: Gyargh! Sexy....curvaceous.... women.....BAD!!!! Flonne: You don't LIKE sexy women? Laharl: No! Girls with curvy, beautiful bodies, I can't stand...Girls like you and Etna, though, I'm okay with. Flonne: Um, were we just insulted? Etna: I dunno. But between this and the photo from earlier, I'm starting to have serious doubts about the Prince's sexuality. Laharl: Would you two shut up? Maderas: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! It's me, Maderas! It was I who lured you out here, Prince, to avenge my banishment from the castle for stealing your father's coveted black pretzels! Laharl: Well, considering the pretzels were the thing that did him in, I can't help but find that move highly ironic. Anyway, what do you want with me? Maderas: I'm going to become Overlord. And I can do it because I know all your weaknesses, thanks to Etna, my loyal servant. Etna: I'd hardly call myself LOYAL, but, yeah, I'm sort of in your employ here. Laharl: So it was ETNA who betrayed me and took those photos.... Gee... Now that I think about it, this is coming as more of a surprise to me than it really ought to. Maderas: It's time for you to die, Prince. And you too, Etna. Etna: Wait. You said you'd give me back my memories! Maderas: Oh dear. I did. I also sort of implied that I wouldn't kill you when all this was over. Oh well. I guess I lied. Etna: Well what's the Netherworld coming to? If you can't trust a DEMON... Laharl: Ha, Fang-Boy! You don't stand a chance against me! I faced both your platitudes AND your sexy catwomen and I'm still sittin' pretty! Maderas: Oh yeah...well how well could you do against...SEXY CATWOMEN TALKING IN PLATITUDES? Sexy Demon: LOVE AND PEACE!!!!! Laharl: Gulp! This is it! Game Over, man! GAME OVER! Mid-Boss: HAHAHAHA!!! Never fear! The "Dark Adonis" is here! Etna: Oookay. THIS was unexpected. Laharl: What in the name of all that is unholy are YOU doing here? Mid-Boss: I felt, as your rival, it was my duty to show up during your time of greatest crisis and provide you with a little helpful advice. Laharl: Such as..? Mid-Boss: Set your mind free! Do not rely on your senses! Awaken to your power! Use the force! *MUSIC SWELLS* Etna: Oh no. He's not going to SING, is he? Mid-Boss: No. Not unless you guys LOSE to moi.... Laharl: Note to self: Make sure that never happens. Mid-Boss: Ahem. So then, Prince, is my advice helping you any in your battle against the sexy catwomen? Laharl: It would, if I could figure out WHAT THE HELL IT IS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT! Mid-Boss: Well, it basically amounts to this: CLOSE AND PLUG YOUR FREAKIN' EYES AND EARS! Laharl: A-HA! It's working... Maderas: Uh-oh....G-Gee, Etna. I hope you didn't take that whole "screwing you over" thing too seriously. I'd like to re-extend my offer to restore your memories in exchange for you killing Laharl. Etna: Forget it, Fang-Boy. It's curtains for you! You see, two years ago, after I did what you said and poisoned the Prince-- Laharl: YOU poisoned me? Flonne: This SURPRISES you?......Hey waitaminute. How'd you hear that with your ears plugged? Etna: You two are ruining my big moment.... Ahem. As I was saying. Two years ago, after I did what you said and poisoned the Prince, I decided that as soon as he woke up, I would use him in my Big Master Plan to turn the tables on you. Oh, and the Prinnies you hired to watch over me. I bought them out, too. The long and short of it is, YOUR MINCING, CAPE-WEARING ASS IS MINE!!! Maderas: Damn! You've been playing me like a fiddle! Laharl: And US TOO, apparently. Mid-Boss: And here I thought YOU were supposed to be the most ruthless demon in the netherworld. Laharl: Shut it, you! *Sigh.* Looks like it's clobberin' time again... *A SHORT BATTLE LATER* Maderas: Eeep! Please spare me! If you do, I'll return your memory and all of Laharl-sama's candid photos. Then I'll cry like a little girl and grovel at your feet! Etna: Just the photos and the memory if you please, Fang-Boy... Laharl: So, Etna... You poisoned me, used me as as bait in your trap for Maderas, deceived me at every turn, mooed, blued, screwed and tattooed me at every opportunity, and were generally as dirty, sneaky and underhanded as any demon I've ever had the misfortume to associate with.... WELL DONE! I KNEW there was a reason I liked you... Etna: Awwww. You're the bestest boss ever! Flonne: So.... They're NOT going to kill each other... Oookay... I suppose I'm at the stage where things like this really shouldn't surprise me... Mid-Boss: Uhhh. Helloooo... I think there's a plot thread you guys forgot to tie up...Guys?..... Helloooo?.....Aw nertz....
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:08:13 GMT -5
Laharl: Aha! Laharl, you're a GENIUS! My plan is foolproof. Foolproof! Flonne: Gee...I dunno...An open challenge to all of the demons in the Netherworld who want your title to gang up and attack you at once doesn't sound all that smart to me. Etna: Especially when you have ME, your most ambitious vassal and next in line to the throne, standing right beside you as you write the challenge... Laharl: FOOLS! This isn't a REAL challenge. It's a trap I'm devising so I can finally clean house and get this whole "consolidating power" thing over with! Etna: I see. But for your little plan to succeed, you have to beat every demon in the kingdom that's vying for your throne... Laharl: How hard could THAT be? Hundreds of thousands of monsters: GROOWWLLLLLLLLLL...... Laharl: Okay, so maybe it's not going to be as much of a walk in the park as I thought... Flonne: Well, you know what they say, the more, the merrier. Etna: You mean, the more, the melee`-er... Laharl: You two. Less wisecrackin.' More skullcrackin.' *KICK PUNCH ASSWHUP BEATDOWN WHAM ATTACK BATTLE HORRIBLE UNSPEAKABLE VIOLENCE* Laharl: Well, I think I proved I'm capable of handling myself well in a group combat setting. Sardia: Ah, but how well wouldst thou do in single combat with an honourable opponent? Laharl: Against an air-headed swordswoman who talks like Cyan from Final Fantasy 3? Quite well, methinks. Sardia: Surely, thou didst mean to say, Final Fantasy 6, m'lord. Laharl: ..........I get the feeling I'm really going to enjoy this. Sardia: Aiieee! *spinch* Flonne: Oh look! Prinnies! Prinny Squad: Dood! we're your next opponents! Laharl: You idiots DO know that a head-on confrontation with me is a one way ticket to the grave.... Prinny Squad: We know, dood. That's why....We challenge you to a game of..... BASEBALL! Laharl: You should ALSO know that pissing me off is ANOTHER one-way ticket to the grave... Etna, your assistance, please... Etna: Certainly, my leige. Prinny Squad: *SPLAT* Laharl: Awwright. WHO'S next? Diabolical Voice: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Laharl: It's...Bigfoot? Alternate Overlord: Fool! I'm the Overlord of an alternate Netherworld. I tried taking over THIS world long ago, but your old man, Krichevskoy, got in the way. But now that he's history, there's noone to stop me. HAHAHAAHAAAAA! So, you wettin' your pants yet, kid? Ain't I the scariest damn thing you ever saw? Laharl: I dunno. All I can see is your foot, and from what I see, it ain't all that scary. Scaly perhaps. But not scary. Alternate Overlord: Fine! I'll en-smallen myself. *FLASH*: Alternate Overlord: Ha! I made ten copies of myself! You can't tell me you don't find THIS impressive! Flonne: Don't worry! By splitting into 10 copies, he has divided his love ten ways, which should make him easier to beat! Laharl: And the logic behind THAT would be--? Etna: Prince, you should know better than to associate the word "logic" with anything that comes out of Flonne's mouth. Flonne: We cannot fail! ATTAAAAAACK! *WHAM* *POW* *ASSKICK* *BEATDOWN* Flonne: Oh dear. We failed. Laharl: And HOW. Ouchies. Flonne: But we're the heroes! If there's anything that countless centuries of playing video games and watching mass media entertainment have taught me, it's that the heroes always win! This can't be happening! Etna: Did it ever occur to you, Flonne, that we may not actually BE the HEROES? Alternate Overlord: Ha! Now I will finish you! Say hi to Krichevskoy for me! In HELL! Flonne: Wait. Aren't we in Hell already? Alternate Overlord: ........Whatever. Just DIE, will ya? Zommie, Ghoss, Gargo, Manty, Goleck, & Dratti: Hold it right there! Alternate Overlord: Who are YOU guys? Zommie, Ghoss, Gargo, Manty, Goleck, & Dratti: We are the vassals of the late king, and in his name, we will crush you! Laharl: What? You mean to tell me that I have servants who are of actual USE to me? I don't believe it. You guys probably just came here to ambush me as well. Dratti: My, my. Aren't WE cynical? Just take a few steps back, kid, and let US handle this... Alternate Overlord: GACK! *dies* Zommie, Ghoss, Gargo, Manty, Goleck, & Dratti: Welp. Our work here is done. See y'all back at the castle! Laharl: So I guess staying here and helping me finish this would be out of the question... Etna: Aw, relax, Prince. We can put this to bed ourselves. I mean, the worst is over, right? Red Ranger: Aha! Greetings, demons! Blue Ranger: We've been-- Yellow Ranger: --expecting you!! Laharl: What was that you were saying, Etna? Now we gotta fight the frickin' POWER RAN-- Red Ranger: A-HEM!!! Lawsuit! Yellow Ranger: Yeah! Don't go confusing us with THOSE guys.... Blue Ranger: Because WE'RE completely different. WE'RE the-- All Three: PRISM RANGERS!!!!
**FLASHY POSE** **CHEESY SPECIAL EFFECTS** Flonne: OMG! *fangirl squeal* This. Is. KEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWLLLL!!!!!! ....But wait. Aren't Super Sentai teams supposed to have more than three members? Red Ranger: Well... we'd have more members... Yellow Ranger: But... being pathetic Super Sentai fanboy cosplayers... Blue Ranger: ...We're complete social pariahs... Red Ranger: Of course, that'll change once we beat you and become the Overlords! Yellow Ranger: Yeah! All sorts of people will want to hang out with us then! Blue Ranger: Maybe even...y'know...GIRLS. Laharl: I wouldn't bet the farm on that. Red Ranger: Shut it, you! Alright, fellow soldiers of Justice! It's time for our impressive, highly flashy, minutes-long, recycled footage transformation sequence!! Etna:*Sigh.* Sometimes, this job is too easy... Etna's Gun: BLAM! BLAM! Yellow Ranger & Blue Ranger: *THUD* Red Ranger: Bluuuuuuuuuuee!!!! Yellowwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU BASTARDS!! How dare you fight dirty! Etna: Well, it kind of comes naturally to us, seeing as how we ARE demons and all... Red Ranger: You ARE?...Whoops. I forgot. Siwwy me... Laharl: Ah. I see. This is Komedy. If you guys had been any REAL threat to me, you'd have transformed first and THEN come out. Flonne: But that would've been devious and un-heroic-- Laharl: And LOGICAL--which, I know, goes against everything you stand for, Love Freak... Red Ranger: That's it! I'm calling my army of demons to help me! Laharl: Demons? You hired DEMONS? Wait...Isn't THAT devious and unheroic? Red Ranger: No, because I did it in the name of JUSTICE! Laharl: So. I see this "total disregard for logic" thing isn't just confined to the race of Angels... Red Ranger: Blue! Yellow! I will make sure that your tragic deaths--- Etna: Um. I only winged them. They should still be alive... Red Ranger: Ahem...er....I will make sure that your near fatal woundings... Blue Ranger & Yellow Ranger: *coff* We're getting better.... Red Ranger: Aw fuggit. Demon Allies! ATTACK!!!! *LONG, UNGODLY HARD, YET POINTLESS BATTLE* Laharl: Sheesh. I think that could've been the most pointless battle we've fought thus far... Etna: What about our battles with Mid-Boss? Laharl: Oh yeah. Those were even more pointless. I'm so glad we won't have to fight HIM again. Mid-Boss: You are mistaken, spiky-haired one! Laharl: Oh no... Mid-Boss: Oh YES! Behold! I AM your final challenger for the throne! Laharl: But I beat you twice already... This ain't fa-hay-hair.....
*SHORT, UNGODLY HARD, YET POINTLESS BATTLE* Mid-Boss: Oh dear... Can't fight anymore...Stomach spasms...Must've been something I ate. Etna: You kiddin' Mid-Boss? You look like you haven't eaten in over a YEAR! Mid-Boss: Well, forgive moi for not being able to think up graceful and convincing excuses off the cuff! *runs* Laharl: Please tell me this is over. Flonne: It's over. And there are no more challengers. Which means... Laharl: Which meeeeans.... I'M LARGE AND IN CHARGE! WOOOOOOOO!!!! Etna: Well, whattaya know. Laharl's finally Overlord now. Flonne: Yup. *giggle* Etna: And to think that YOU --an angel-- helped make it happen. Flonne: Yup..................Oh figs..... Vulcanus: Master Lamington! The shizznit has officially hit the fan! Seraph: Has it? *yawn* Vulcanus: Yes! Flonne has just helped Krichevskoy's son become the Overlord! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT? Seraph: I'll....have to think about it. Vulcanus: You mean you'll stand there with that stupid, sleepy expression on your face, looking bored and disinterested as usual... Well I'm sorry! I think we should be a BIT more pro-active here, so I'm going to deal with this situation myself! *vanish* Seraph: *Sigh.* And the reason I hired this maniac to be my second-in-command was----? Flonne: Oh no! If the Seraph hears of what I've done, I may lose my job! Etna: That'd be a tough break in this economy... Hey, I know, Flonne. Why don't you become a demon and work for US? Flonne: I may be completely lacking in logic, but I ain't CRAZY!! Laharl: PH33R M3!!! 1 4m t3h 0v3rl0rd! 4bs0lut3 p0w0r r0x0rZ!!!!
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:09:26 GMT -5
Laharl: Mm-mmm-hmmm. Mwa-ha-ha-HAAAAAHHH! HAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Flonne: Okay, Laharl. I think you've gotten that whole "diabolical laughter" thing down pretty well. Etna: Yeah. You might want to spend your time doing something more useful...like this new assignment I'm bringing to you. Laharl: Hot damn! My first Official Act as Overlord! So...what does it involve? My causing an earthquake? A nuclear cataclysm? Widespread mayhem and destruction? A new reality show starring Paris Hilton? Etna: Nope. It involves ---this kid! Aramis: .... Laharl: Hmmm. A new reality show starring THIS kid? I can't imagine it'd be much of a ratings buster... Aramis: No, dumbass. That's not what she meant. Laharl: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? Flonne: Awww. Lay off him, Laharl! He's just a cute wittwe kid! Aramis: And you're a flat-chested ditz. Flonne: GRRRR!!! FLOG HIM! IMMOLATE HIM! HE MUST DIE!!! DIE DIE DIE---Er...uh... I mean...Love and peaccee <3.......*nervous giggle* Aramis: Oooookay. Maybe I should try taking my request to people who AREN'T batshit insane... Laharl: Request? Etna: Yes. He wants you to help him find his pets. Laharl: WHO THE HAIRY HELL DOES HE THINK I AM? ACE VENTURA? I AIN'T HELPIN' THIS BRAT! Etna: You'd better. Or I'll get angry. And you won't like me when I'm angry. Laharl: Ooh. You're right about that. Fine. I'll help. Aramis: Ah. There goes one of my pets now... Zombie: Aroooorrrrrooo!!!! Laharl: A zombie? You've got good taste, kid. Flonne: For "good" read, "horrifyingly, disturbingly WEIRD in a Tim Burton on Steroids Sort of Way"....So... Uh... How are you going to catch them? Laharl: I suppose we could employ the usual tactics... Etna: Mindless and gratuitous violence? Roger that... Zombies: Groooooorroooooo!!!!! *SPLAT* Laharl: Feh. This is rapidly becoming boring... Etna: Quit bellyaching. Being an overlord ain't all diabolical laughter and raining brimstone on your enemies' heads, bub. Flonne: Gee Etna. You're not your usual laid-back, wise-cracking, sociopathic self. What gives? Etna: Oh. This pet hunt is just reminding me of the time when I was a naive, scared little girl working in the castle. Back then I owned a pet which I adored, but then it got killed by some demons. But King Krichevskoy reached out to me in sympathy and helped me bury it. I've admired him ever since and I'm fervently hoping his son grows up to be just like him. Flonne: Wow, Etna. That was tender and insightful. A window into your true feelings for Laharl and the concern you have for his future.... Please say something self-serving and pathological now to reassure me that I am not, in fact, going crazy.. Etna: If Laharl DOESN'T grow up to become like his father, I'll kill him? Flonne: Ah, now THERE'S the Etna I know and fear... Laharl: I might have an easier time killing these zombies if they didn't keep coming back to life. Aw well. I suppose that's half the fun of owning them. Aramis: Yup. Flonne: Demons. Are. Weird. Zombies GRRRAARROOOGGHHH!!! Laharl: Zombies to the left of me. Zombies to the right... Aramis: And here I am, stuck in the middle with you idiots. By the way, you'd better watch out for that purple zombie over there. It's a doozy. I created it myself. It's the ultimate zombie. Laharl: Well...aside from the way it clashes with the other zombies, what's so bad about it? Aramis: Well...for one thing, it has a horse's weiner. Laharl: That's bad. That's really REALLY BAD AND MIND-BENDINGLY DANGEROUS. I'm not going to elaborate why. Thousands of Video Game Players: --And for that we thank you. Laharl: Let's trash it! And WATCH OUT FOR THAT WEINER!! *BATTLE* Purple Zombie: Garoooo--SPLUT! Laharl: Okay kid. It's done. I rounded up all your zombies... Aramis: Cool. I guess I have to start respecting you now. Etna & Flonne: We're still going to continue to give you shit, though. Laharl: I don't care. As long as you accept me as Overlord... Etna: Allright. And speaking of accepting things, I'd like you to have this Sword of Damocles. Laharl: *Sigh.* My life sucks.
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:11:11 GMT -5
Laharl: Okay. That last episode was pure fluff. Which means, I suppose, that the next episode coming up is going to be really depressing and deadly serious. Prinny Chorus: Our somber singing would seem to confirm this. Flonne: Singing? At this hour? How strange. Big Sis Prinny: Well, it'd be even STRANGER if we waited until the middle of the day to sing about the bright, shiny RISEN moon, wouldn't you think? Flonne: Oh yeah. Hey, you're that nice Prinny who gave me medicine earlier. Gee, you seem different from the others. Pinker...nicer...not as greedy or self-serving... Big Sis Prinny: I don't know what you mean...I'm just like the others...uh...dood... Flonne: Riiiight. And I'm the archangel Michael... Big Sis Prinny: Well, I'll just helpfully drop a couple of nice, fat, juicy plot points and be on my way, then... Flonne: Alrightie. Laharl: Hey. Where'd all the Prinnies go? Flonne: Well, th-they haven't run away to be reincarnated, if that's what you were thinking... Laharl: Uh-huh... Gee, Love Freak. You wouldn't be TRYING TO HIDE something, would you? Flonne: Well, if I was, I certainly wouldn't reveal it to someone who wasn't courteous enough to call me by my real name! Laharl: Sheesh. Why are YOU the Uber-pregnant dogqueen from Hell all of a sudden? Etna: Yeah. That's MY job! Flonne: You suck, Laharl! I'm acting this way because YOU have no love! Laharl: And YOU have no grasp on reality. Which is why I'm never talking to you again. Ever. Now if you'll excuse me, I gots me some Prinnies to catch. Flonne: Gee. And just when I thought my constant, self-righteous nagging was beginning to work on him... Etna: Chin-up, Flonne. Yours may not be a hopeless cause. You see...Believe it or not, the Prince's mother was ALSO a Love Freak. Her being a human might have had something to do with that. Anyway, she was trying to raise Laharl to be an upright, outstanding citizen. Flonne: Well, THAT obviously didn't happen. What went wrong? Etna: The Prince got sick and his mother sacrificed herself to save him. So from that day on, the Prince turned his back on love and kindness, (completely ignoring the fact that they had SAVED his spoiled bratty little bacon. ) Flonne: Oh my... Gee...isn't it interesting how in video games, all of a characters emotional problems and moral failings can be traced back to a single traumatic, childhood event? Etna: Yeah...interesting... Let's move on, shall we? Flonne: Ooh! Pretty white balls! Big Sis Prinny: Those are the souls of Prinnies. The red moon is cleansing their sins. Laharl: Ahh...so... no Jesus in this universe, then?... no salvation through grace...Just human souls wearing penguin suits, little white balls and a big red moon....Geez. This is some WEIRD theology we got going on here... Big Sis Prinny: Well, it makes about as much sense as anything you'd hear in a real-live, non-video game religion... Flonne: True, dat. Laharl: Hey! I never gave those Prinnies permission to reincarnate! Etna: I don't really recall hearing them ASK for it.... Laharl: Stop them! Now! Chernobog: Don't...think..so...shorty.... Seraph: It is time once again for us to meet and to mutter cryptic things. ?: Fine, but let's not overdo it this time. We're already approaching Evangelion levels of vagueness here... Chernobog: What...is...your...deal...kid? Big Sis Prinny: Yeah. Why don't you let the Death Dudes do their work, dood? Don't you care about your vassals' welfare? Don't you love them? Laharl: You sound just like that Love Freak. Big Sis Prinny: Plot point. Plot point, I say... Laharl: Oh ALL RIGHT. I'll decide suddenly and for no discernible reason whatsoever to stop being a jerk and to let them all go. Big Sis Prinny: Really, dood? That's just peachy. Welp... so long! Flonne: Waaaaaitaminute, Mrs. Goody McTwoshoes. Just what did YOU do to wind up in Hell wearing a penguin costume? Big Sis Prinny: I took my life. To save the life of my son. My son, who shut away his feelings after I died. My son who is slowly starting to change thanks to the people around him. My son who is.....oh hell, If you haven't figured it out by NOW-- Laharl: Mom! Flonne: Well what a coincidence. We were just talking about you earlier... What'd be the chances that you'd show up here and now?...Hey wait.... You're his mother, and you were just going to leave him without even saying goodbye? Big Sis Prinny: Yes. I figured if fate was going to rip us apart forever, there'd be no point in letting him know and having him dread it beforehand. Flonne: Oh... Well that sounds logical... Etna: ...which is probably why YOU hadn't thought of it, Flonne... Big Sis Prinny: Well, you seem to be in good hands, son-- *poof* Laharl's Mom: I hope my leaving this way doesn't f**k you up even more...*vanishes* Laharl: On the contrary, Mom. Now that the issues surrounding my personal childhood trauma have been resolved, I'm on the road to spiritual and emotional recovery! Flonne: Thank God we live in a universe where Video Game Logic is in full effect! Laharl: Well Flonne. Let's go home. Flonne: Hey! You remembered my name! That's whatcha call a plot point, isn't it? Laharl: It sure is, Love Freak...It sure is... Prinny Chorus: Oh we're the girls of the chorus, we hope you liked our show/ We know you're rootin' for us, but now we have to gooooo....
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:12:23 GMT -5
Introduction: And now for something completely different... Handsome Man: Ha-HAA! Jennifer, my faithful, leggy, eye-candy assistant, how much longer until we go into hyperdrive? Jennifer: 5 minutes, Captain Gordon! Gordon: Only 5 minutes until we begin our latest, action-packed adventure! In SPAAAAACE! Jennifer: You're not afraid, are you, Gordon? Laharl: Afraid? Ha! I, Captain Gordon, Defender of Earth, have no time for fear! Thursday: BEEP BEEP BLIP BEEP... THAT COULD BE BECAUSE YOU'RE SPENDING ALL YOUR TIME OOGLING JENNIFER'S JOY DEPARTMENT... Gordon: Stow it, Twiki. It's time to leave orbit. Jennifer: Incoming transmission from Earth Defense Force Headquarters! General Carter: Ground control to Major Tom/ Commencing countdown, engines on/ Check ignition and may God’s love be with you... Gordon: Right-o! To infinity aaaand...wherever the hell it is we're going! Spaceship: *BLASTS OFF* *PURPLE SWOOSHIES* Prinny Squad: Intruder alert, dood! Something's in the Stellar Graveyard! Flonne: Oh dear. Could it be angels coming to take me back? Etna: Nah... I doubt we'd be that lucky... Flonne: What? Etna: Err... I mean, it's probably weird, anal-probing aliens or somethin'. Flonne: That means there might be people who are hurt. Etna: Yeah, I imagine them ass-probes must sting considerably... Flonne: We'd better check it out! Laharl: And once again, I'm dragged kicking and screaming against my will into another whimsical, light-hearted, character-building adventure... Jennifer: Oh no. Gordon's gone! Thursday: SPACESHIP'S HISTORY. GORDON PROBABLY PUSHING UP SPACE DAISIES. Jennifer: But that can't be! He's the Defender of Earth. And more importantly, he's a main character. This episode is also named after him, so I suggest you keep looking. Thursday: RIGHTY-O. *SIGH*....BEEP BLIP BEEP... Flonne: So this is the Stellar Graveyard... It's so beautiful. Etna: Yes. And being a graveyard, it'd be an ideal place to bury someone... Flonne: Yes. But we don't have a body. Etna: Oh. I could fix that. If you'd be so kind as to hold still, Flonne while I wrap my hands around your neck... Laharl: Can the slapstick, you two. I'm sensing dirty work afoot.. Jennifer: Detect anything yet, Thursday? Thursday: NOPE. NOTHING HERE. BLIP BEEP... Jennifer: That could be a good thing. Our briefing at headquarters (and countless viewings of Japanese hentai films) have taught me that the Netherworld is filled with slimy tentacle demons who want nothing more than to viciously de-flower every beautiful woman they come across! Thursday: SUCKS TO BE YOU, FLESHIE. BY THE WAY, I'M SENSING APPROACHING LIFE-FORMS. MAY I SUGGEST SOME FORM OF TACTICAL RETREAT? SOMETHING IN A BLIND, PANICKY "RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY" VEIN, PERHAPS? Jennifer: Stifle it, Robby.... Laharl: Odd. I thought I heard a woman's voice... Jennifer: Look, Thursday! It's a bunch of cute little kids! Awww. You poor little dears... Did the big bad demons rip your limbs off and do horrible, ungodly things to you with their probes and their tentacles, and their probe-holding tentacles? Laharl: Who the HELL is this? Jennifer: Don't worry! Big Sis will make it all better! Laharl: Get away from me! Cooties! Cooties! Jennifer: Aww. Are we sexually confused? Well, let me explain to you about the birds and the bees. Etna: So...she's teaching sex ed? Well...She certainly looks as if she's had a lot of experience in that field... Flonne: Yipe. We'd better get the plot rolling again before this game gets slapped with a Mature rating....Ahem. Nice lady, I am Flonne, an angel. This is Etna, a demon and that-- Laharl: *nosebleed* Flonne: -- is the Overlord, Laharl. Jennifer: Oh my! Headquarters didn't say anything about the Overlord being a cute, rabbit-eared little kid! Thursday: ALL DATA WOULD SEEM TO INDICATE HEADQUARTERS HAS ITS HEAD UP ITS HINDQUARTERS. Jennifer: And to think, we came here to kill the Overlord! Laharl: YOU did? Jennifer: Well.. actually, the killing part was supposed to be handled by our fearless leader, Captain Gordon, who seems to be MIA at the moment. I'm Jennifer and this is my super robot Thursday, by the way. Laharl: Charmed... So.. This Gordon guy. Is he as bats as the rest of you? Gordon: Well, THAT was a rough landing. Well, you know what they say. Any landing you can stride away from with perfect hair and the ability to look inherently cool while quipping trite, action-movie one liners is a good one! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!... But wait. My faithful sidekicks Jennifer and Thursday are not here. Seeing as how I'm the hero of this story and how the narrative, as a rule, must be centered around me and my glorious exploits, it can only mean they've gotten themselves into trouble and that I must save them! To the rescue! Laharl: Well...THAT certainly answered my question. Jennifer: So, Harlie-chan... You're not REALLY planning on invading the Earth, are you? Laharl: Why would I want to conquer THAT dump? And stop calling me Harlie-chan! I am a demon! D-E-M-O-N! I'm evil! EVIL, I tell you! Jennifer: Whatever you say, Harlie-chan! <3 Laharl: ...Please shoot me now. Flonne: Gee. Sure looks as if war might be brewing between the Earth and the Netherworld. Etna: Interstellar war? Neat! Flonne: Etna! Etna: Geez, Flonne. You freak out when I act all sweet and sensitive, and you freak out when I act like my normal self. There's just no pleasing you, is there? Thursday: BLIP BLIP BEEP...I'M DETECTING GORDON IN THE VICINITY. Laharl: Really? All I can see is some nut in a spacesuit with perfect hair, spouting out dialogue that would make Buzz Lightyear wince in embarrassment. Jennifer: That's the Captain, alright! Flonne: I THINK HE'S COOOOOOLLL!! *eye flames* Etna: That's because you're a GEEK! Gordon: Hiya Jennifer. Where'd ya find the kids? Laharl: Kids?-----Grrrrrr! I am the Overlord! Gordon: You? You're barely out of diapers! Laharl: GRRREEHHH!!! *summon lightning* Gordon: ---and yet you're insanely powerful.... But it matters not! I shall defeat you and any who threaten the Earth! Flonne: Now hold on. I'm sure with love, patience and understanding, we can straighten out this whole situation and-- Gordon: Silence, you evil pre-pubescent! Flonne: Evil? Ooooh... Laharl, let's nuke 'im from orbit! It's the only way to make sure... Laharl: For once, Flonne and I are on the same wavelength. (Scary thought, no?) .......Hey, Gordon. I'll tell you what. You beat me, and I promise not to invade your world. But I beat you, and you promise to become my slave. Gordon: Ha haaa! I agree! After all, how hard could it be to beat a little kid? *A FEW MINUTES AND A SHORT BATTLE LATER* Gordon: Ooookay. A lot harder than I thought, apparently... Laharl: Ha! I win! Suck on -THAT- Forces of Good! Flonne: Oh dear. I accidentally injured a human... Etna: Accidentally on purpose. Flonne: Mock me all you want, Etna, but my angelic ass is grass if the Seraph finds out. Vulcanus: If he finds out! You mean WHEN he finds out! Hey Seraph! I know something you don't know! Seraph: *sigh.* What it is this time, Vulcanus? Vulcanus: Flonne has killed a human in the Netherworld! Seraph: Oh my. This, of course raises the question of how humans came to be in the Netherworld in the first place. Care to elaborate on that? Vulcanus: Um...er....no.... but.. I'll go and capture Flonne, right now! Seraph: Fine. Whatever. *Sigh.* And the plot, as they say, thickens... Flonne: I'm boned. Oh well. I'm sure the Seraph will know it was just a mistake. Etna: Riiiiight. Flonne: ...I'm boned. Gordon: YOU'RE boned? What about me? I gotta be lackey to some kindergartener! The chances of me looking cool from this moment forward are all but ruined! RUINED, I say! Jennifer: Ohhhh, I am SO glad I hitched my wagon to HIS star. Thursday: DITTO. BLIP BEEP BEEP....
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:13:45 GMT -5
Laharl: Wow, human beings make great slaves. I'll have to keep that in mind if I ever decide to conquer the Earth. Gordon: *huff* *gasp* This is so embarrassing. Having to bust my ass in service to that little hellion...But I did give him my promise...and I must abide by it...unless.... The wheels in Gordon's head: *creaaaaak* *grind*....whirrrrrrrrr! *click* Ding ding ding! Gordon: That's IT... If I were to only PRETEND to keep my promise, I could trick him and get away! Yes! Gordon you are a GENIUS! Laharl: Wow, human beings are complete idiots... If I ever DO decide to to conquer the Earth, I really can't see the men of that planet giving me any trouble. Jennifer: Mornin' Harlie-chan! <3 Laharl: Ugh. The WOMEN of that planet, on the other hand... Jennifer: I'm going to go on a picnic with Etna and Flonne. Wanna come, Harlie-chan? Laharl: Only if I want to throw up everything I eat. Bleh... Gordon: I'm stuck here busting my ass and YOU'RE going on a picnic? Thursday: THURSDAY'S GOING TOO. LA LA LA. Gordon: Fine! You go! I'll stay here and suffer! Jennifer: Suits us! So, where we goin'? Flonne: How about the Sea of Gehenna? Etna: Nah, let's go to the mall instead. Jennifer: Why don't we try both? Etna & Flonne: S'okay! Laharl: Feh. Girls. You know what they're gonna DO once they get by themselves? Gordon: What? Laharl: Talk trash about US, that's what! Well, I'll be damned if I'm going to let THAT happen. Gordon: Right. And someone manly and strong should really be along to protect them, so... Laharl: Let's hit the road... Gordon: Right! (YES! I can escape while I'm on the picnic! I. Am. So. Smart. LA LA LA!) Meanwhile, at EDF Headquarters... General Carter: So it appears Gordon has failed in his mission to kill the Overlord. Sharp-Eyed Man: That's no big surprise. He IS a putz after all. Unlike me. General Carter: Do I detect a small note of professional jealousy in your voice, Kurtis? Well... in any case, his mission was just a pretext to invade the Netherworld anyway, so it doesn't matter whether he failed or not. Kurtis: It matters to me. As his official anime-style rival, it is my sworn duty and eventual destiny to face him in dramatic one-on-one combat. Therefore I know he must still be alive out there... Gordon: --Alive, and having the time of my life! LA LA LA! Laharl: Tell me, Gordon, are all the heroes on Earth as dorky as you? Flonne: He's not a dork! He's just pretending to be one so that the enemy will underestimate him! Jennifer: Yeah...that's it... pretending.... Gordon: LA LA LA! (They don't suspect a thing!) Etna: You SURE he's pretending? Gordon: LA LA LA! (What a fine performance I'm giving. William Shatner, eat your heart out!) Seraph: More cryptic banter, Mr. ? ?: Sure. Why not? But not too much. After all, we don't want the players to figure out who I am just yet... Thousands of Video Game Players: Aw come on. Who are you kidding? We knew who you were five chapters ago! You're-- ?: SHHHHHHH!! Even though we've been telegraphing this plot twist since practically the beginning of the story, we must still maintain the illusion of suspense. It's Video Game™ Law! Thousands of Video Game Players: Oh brother... Gordon: So, kids, anyone up for a sing-along? Laharl: Kids? You DO realize we're at least a thousand years older (and a million years more mature) than you... Flonne: Oh dear. And it would seem that I'M the oldest one here. Jennifer: Gee, I never would've guessed. Laharl: That's because you humans are hung up on looks. Jennifer: The same way that YOU are hung up on MY looks, Harlie-chan? <3 Laharl: PLEASE let there be a sudden and dramatic plot development to deflect attention away from my none-too-subtle attempt to change the subject... Mid-Boss: Mwa-HA madamoiselles and monseuirs! *SWOOSH* Behold! I have purloined your picnic basket! Laharl: *whew* Etna: Hey! Give it back! Mid-Boss: Are you kidding? I haven't had a decent cooked meal in ages, seeing as how I am a widower and all. Flonne: Oh. So THAT'S why you're so scrawny... Gordon: Hey you! Come back here with our vittles! Vyers: And I should listen to a pathetic human like yourself because...? Gordon: Because I'm the Defender of Earth™ ! And because if you don't, I'll kick your anorexic ass from here to Pluto! Mid-Boss: You have to catch moi first! Gordon: D'oh! Just you wait! I'll make sure the only thing you eat today is a heaping helping of JUSTICE! Jennifer: You know, instead of running around aimlessly like idiots, we could just have Thursday track the scent of the lunch. Gordon: Sure, if we want to do things the EASY way... Thursday: BEEP BEEP BLIP. FOOD WENT THATAWAY. Etna: Wow. That's some robot. Gordon: Well, he WAS created by Jennifer, who --believe it or not-- was a child prodigy inventing robots by the age of five, and who got her Ph.D a full 6 years before Doogie Hauser did. Flonne: Wow, that's amazing, even if it DOES help perpetuate the long-held science-fiction stereotype which dictates that all female scientists must be sexy and beautiful and act subservient to their main love interest, no matter how much of a lunkhead he might be. Laharl: Ain't that the truth... Mid-Boss: Oh dear. Moi appears to be trapped. Gordon: Allllllright, you Yogi Bear wannabe! Come back here with our pic-a-nic basket! Or else! Mid-Boss: Ha! You do not scare moi! I'm smaaaarter than the average demon! And much flashier too! Behold! The Magic of the "Dark Adonis!" *FLASHY LIGHT SHOW* Gordon: Hey! My sidekicks and I can be excessively theatrical too! Behold, our Gordon, Jennifer & Thursday: DEFENDERS OF EARTH™ DRAMATIC POSE OF JUSTICE!!!! *FLASHHH* *TWINKLE* Flonne: Hey! You can't leave us out! Laharl! Etna! Let's give him our--- Flonne: GUARDIANS OF LOVE DRAMATIC--- Laharl: Screw this... Etna: Count me the hell out... Flonne: ......I hate you both. *BATTLE* Laharl Well geez. I beat you again. What a surprise (to everyone but US.) Mid-Boss: Alas, yours is a hollow victory as I have already eaten your lunch! Bye! *skedattles* Laharl: So what the hell was the point of all this, anyway? Gordon: I know not, but methinks we should be glad its all over. And now.... The time has come for me to leave you all and to return back from whence I came... Etna: And your method for getting back there would be--? The wheels in Gordon's head: *creeeeak* *grinding halt* Gordon: Oh dear. Did I overlook something when I was compiling My Perfect Escape Plan? Jennifer: Yes. You did. Gordon: GAAAAHHHHH!!!! But I HAVE to find some way to get home! I can't bloody well be the Defender of Earth™ if I'm stuck in the Netherworld! Etna: Why don't you become the Defender of the Netherworld™ ? Laharl: Yeah. I could promote you. It would sure beat being my slave. Gordon: GARRGGHHH!!! Must...calm down.....Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place. Find a happy place... Laharl: Gee. HE'S taking this well... Thursday: OH WELL. SUCKS TO BE HIM. Flonne: And that's how the humans came to live with us. And from then on, we were all one big happy family. Gordon: Mommmmieeeeeeee!!!!!!!I wanna go hoooooome! Flonne: Well... one big happy dysfunctional family, anyway...
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:15:51 GMT -5
General Carter: Well, thanks to men like me, the planet Earth is toast. Our only hope now lies in invading the Netherworld and sucking it of all it's resources. Vulcanus: Nice intro, General Exposition. So, you got your fleet all fired up and ready to go? General Carter: Yes. With your help, we will not fail! Vulcanus: You sure about that? General Carter: As sure as I am that you're someone who can be wholly trusted. Vulcanus: *Sigh* I have SUCH a good feeling about this... *vanish* EDF Fleet: *BLAST OFF* Gordon: There's no way out of this world. I'm trapped. TRAPPED!...Wait. The EDF. When they find out I've vanished, surely they'll come and rescue me! Laharl: Um, isn't that something you should be keeping to yourself instead of blurting aloud in a dramatic fashion in front of your captors? Jennifer: You really think the EDF will come for us, Gordon? Gordon: Of course! They're a vastly overbudgeted, monolithic, government-run military institution! Which means, of course, that they're completely trustworthy. Jennifer: *Sigh.* You just keep on thinking that, Gordon.... Etna: Hey Prince! Someone's sent you another challenge! Flonne: Someone calling themselves the Defender of Earth! Gordon: WATE WUT? I don't recall writing any threatening letters today... Threatening Letter: "I am the Defender of Earth. I cordially invite you, the Overlord, to the Forest of the Dead to take part in a rumble which, if all goes according to plan, will conclude with my dancing over your bloody corpse. Please RSVP." Laharl: So, Gordon, there's another one of you Defender guys running around? Fine. I'll just have to kick his ass, too! Jennifer: I wonder... could this letter have been sent by Kurtis? Laharl: Kurtis? Whoozat? Jennifer: He's just some guy who does heroic shit and who calls himself the Defender of Earth™ , even though the title officially belongs to Gordon. Laharl: Well, Gordon. Now that I've given you the shiny new title of "Slayer of the Netherworld" you can put all that "defending Earth" crap behind you. Gordon: In your dreams, hellmunchkin! Thursday: DANGER, DANGER WILL ROBINSON... Thousands of thumbnail theatre readers: We KNEW AA would have to throw in a Lost in Space reference for this character at SOME point-- Thursday: A-HEM! AS I WAS SAYING...DANGER! DANGER! SENSORS PICKING UP UNKNOWN LIFEFORM... Gordon: Kurtis? Is that you? ?: No! It's the Grim, Grizzled Spectre of Death! DIE!!!! Thursday: UH-OH.....ROBOTIC LAW SUBPROGRAM ACTIVATED...MUST SELFLESSLY SACRIFICE OWN EXISTENCE FOR GOOD OF LUNKHEAD HERO....CURSE YOU, ISAAC ASIMOV.... *SMASSHHH!* *SHORT-CIRCUIT* Gordon: Thuuuursday!!!! Grrrr. I swear, as the Defender of Earth, I'll make you pay for that, you old geezer! ?: YOU'RE the Defender of Earth? But why are you helping the Overlord? Laharl: Because I kicked his ass and made him my slave! You got a problem with that? ?: I sure do. And frankly...I'm disgusted. Gordon: And YOU are--? ?: Don Joaquin, the Original Defender of Earth. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go hang my head in shame and whine about these latest developments on my ghostly Livejoural...*vanish* Jennifer: So, those rumors my father told me about the original Defender of Earth traveling to the Netherworld and getting his ass handed to him by the Overlord were true... Laharl: Well, the good news is that I now know you Defender guys are nothing to worry about. The bad news is that I've now got this old geezer's grizzled, pathetic soul puttering around my kingdom, causing trouble. Gordon: Wow. What devotion to duty. Etna: Wow. What stupidity. Flonne: Still, we must help him. Whaddaya say, the next time we run into him, we let him beat us so his soul can rest... Laharl: Screw you. I said it before and I'll say it again. Anything that comes against me is gonna get trashed. End of story. Flonne: You suck, Laharl. Laharl: You're next on the list, Love Freak... Thursday: BEEPBEEPBLIPBEEPBLIPBEEPBEEPBEEPBEEPBLIP.... Jennifer: Uh-oh. The blow from that old man has overheated Thursday's memory circuit. If he keeps up this pace, he could lose his entire memory of everything that's happened up till now. Laharl: Would that the rest of us could be so lucky... Thursday: YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOOD ROBOT DOWN. THURSDAY WILL KEEP FIGHTING. Gordon: Oh Thursday! *sniff* *sob* Urrrrrrrrreennnnnnnghhhh!!!!!!! Laharl: Geez, Gordon. It sounds as if your voice actor is having an IBD attack... Flonne: He's just ...touched by the whole situation. Etna: He's touched, all right... Don: Ha HA! At last we meet, Overlord, for the first time for the last time... Laharl: Uh... didn't we already meet you in the last scene? Don: Silence! You think coming up with suitable dramatic opening lines is easy?!! I'm a Defender of Earth™, dammit! Not a screenwriter! Laharl: Let's rock, old man... Flonne: You can't do this! Laharl: Yes I can. Etna: Yes he will... Flonne: Oh... poop. Don: *summon* Zombies: Aroooohoooooooo!! Don: Mwa-HA! What do you think of my friends? Laharl: Pretty pathetic. Much like you. *INTENSE BATTLE* *SEVERE ASSKICKING* Don: Glurk! Flonne: Laharl! You didn't let him win! You suck! Laharl: No, Flonne. YOU suck! Flonne: You suck WORSE you sucky little suck-faced son of a--... Don: It's okay, little girl. I've decided to accept my defeat with dignity and grace. I'm glad this kid wailed on me with all his might. I can rest now knowing that even though I failed, I gave it my all. Laharl: Does this mean we can go home now? Thursday: BEEP BLIP *crackle* *fizzle* UH-OH...FADING FAST... Gordon & Jennifer: Thursday! Thursday: DAISY...DAI--SY...GIVE ME YOUR AN-SWER...DOOOOOOoooooo...*pfft* Gordon: MEN-DO-ZAAAAA---I mean, THURS-DAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!! Thousands of Video Game Players: Oh dear. The robot with the really annoying voice is dead. What a tremendous relief terrible tragedy. Don: Young Defender of Earth, I can't help but think if I had friends as loyal (and, let's face it, as sexy) as yours, that my stint as Defender of Earth would've been a lot easier. Oh well. No use crying over spilt milk. As my last heroic act I shall use my Miracle Ghost Power to fix your robot. KAME-HAME-HAAAA!!!!! *FLASSSHHHH* Thursday: HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY.... Thousands of Video Game Players: Oh great. It came back to life. Damn. Hooray. Gordon: It's a miracle! Jennifer: How can we ever repay you? Don: Well, dearie. I can think of a way YOU could repay me... but it would be rather pointless of me to suggest it seeing as how I don't have a body anymore... Welp. I suppose I ought to be moseyin' along now. G'Bye!... *flash* *transform* *float* Laharl: Well, as far as humans go, he didn't seem to be TOO annoying... Flonne: Gee, Laharl. I'm sorry I doubted you and said discourteous things to you earlier... Etna: "Said discourteous things?" Girl, you totally reamed him. And you were about to toss a few choice words his way, weren't you? Flonne: Was not! Gordon & Jennifer: Was too. Etna: Well then, just what WERE you about to say, Flonne? Thursday: THURSDAY HAS A GOOD IDEA, AND IF YOU'LL WAIT 3 SECONDS FOR ME TO MAKE THE CALCULATIONS, I'LL SAY IT ALOUD FOR EVERONE TO HEAR. 1...2... Flonne: OH NO YOU DON'T! *opens a can of whoopass* Thursday: I'M DEAD AGAIN. Laharl: Face it, Flonne, you've gone over to the dark side. Flonne: Have not! Etna: Have too. Flonne: Have NOT. Waaahhhh! Thursday: TH-TH-THAT'S ALL, FOLKS! *Looney Tunes music*
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:18:18 GMT -5
Stellar Graveyard: RUMMMBLEEEEEE!!! Flonne: What was that? Etna: That, if I'm not mistaken, was the sound of rapidly advancing plot development. Laharl: And it sounds like its rapidly advancing our way. Prinny Squad: Dood! Billions of big spaceship-y things have appeared over at the Stellar Graveyard! Gordon: Hooray! The EDF has come to save us! Jennifer: This many ships, Gordon? Something ain't kosher... Gordon: Oh stop being such a Negative Nancy. Everything will work out fine. You'll see! Laharl: We'll ALL see. Come, my droogies! To the Stellar Graveyard! Astronaut: *muffled breathing* Gordon: What'd I tell you, Miss Doubting Thomasina? It's soldiers of the EDF here to rescue us! Jennifer: I dunno... They're acting a little...um... what's the word I'm looking for?.... Etna: Creepy. The word is creepy. Gordon: Oh, don't be ridiculous! They're just awed by my square-jawed good looks, my aura of heroic competence, and my commanding stage presence! Laharl: Well...Why aren't they saying anything? Gordon: They're probably just speechless from being in close proximity to such a famous and charismatic celebrity. Jennifer: I'm afraid not, Gordon. The fact of the matter is, we were being used by the EDF to secure a route to the Netherworld. Our mission to defeat the Overlord was just a sad farce, a pretext, a lie. Gordon: What? How DARE you accuse the EDF of lying to us! Such treachery! You're fired, Jennifer! Pack up your metallic bikini, clear out your office, and go home! Jennifer: *sigh* Fine... Laharl: Slick move, Gordon. You DO know that without her, you're not going to last 15 seconds before running into serious trouble... Gordon: Oh pshaw! Anyway, it's the sworn duty of a hero to always stick by his employers with unwavering loyalty. Isn't that right, guys? EDF Soldiers: That's right, Cannon Fodder... By the way, we're here to exterminate you with extreme prejudice. Hope you don't mind. Gordon: Well, isn't that ni--WHAAAAAAT? Laharl: 12 seconds, Gordon... Gordon: Wha--? I don't understand! EDF Soldiers: It's simple. We shoot you. You fall over and die. Gordon: Meep. *INTENSE LASER BATTLE* EDF Soldiers: Blarg! *die* Gordon: Well, THAT was a narrow escape...But WHY would the EDF try to kill me? Etna: Maybe because you're the stupidest person in the universe and they don't want to risk having you endanger humanity by polluting the gene pool? Thursday: BEEP BEEP BLIP BEEP... INCOMING HOLOGRAM.... General Carter: Well, Gordon. I see you still haven't kicked the oxygen habit. Oh well. It doesn't matter. You'll be killed by our invasion forces in the impending attack, I'm sure. Thanks for being such a gullible rube, by the way. Gordon: Gullible Rube?.....Hmmm......You know.... If I didn't know better, I'd say this whole mission to slay the Overlord was nothing but a ruse to get me to open up a path to the Netherworld so the EDF could invade it... Flonne: Oh, YOU THINK SO? Laharl: Well, Flonne. It looks like you'll have to relinquish your Crazy Award to THIS guy... Gordon: I...uh.. I knew it was a ruse all along! Etna: And it looks like we'll have to give him the "World's Least Convincing Liar" Award as well... General Carter: So long, suckers! Muahahahaha! Laharl: What a devious, conniving, greedy, thieving, underhanded bastard! Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Etna? Etna: That we should offer him a job in our Internal Revenue Department? Laharl: Yes. I'll draw up the recruitment papers... Flonne: Could you two be serious for just one second? Jennifer: I can... Gordon: Gee, Jennifer you seem.... sad about something... Laharl: I'm no expert in psychology, but your calling her a traitor and then sacking her might have something to do with her present mood. Gordon: Whoops. My bad. Thursday: YOU'RE BAD, ALLRIGHT... LOSER...BEEP BLIP... ?: Hello, Gordon. Gordon: Who's there? Kurtis: It's me. Kurtis. The true Defender of Earth. Flonne: Ooh! A rival! The plot is thickening before our eyes here! Etna: Pipe down, you hopeless fangirl. Kurtis: So, Gordon... I see once again that you've managed to whiz this whole "hero" thing down your pant leg. Gordon: And I see you're still deluding yourself into believing that you'd make a better Defender of Earth than me. Kurtis: Why wouldn't I? I've got the cool gadgets. I've got the flashy special effects, I'm ruggedly good-looking in a "Roam from the old Zelda: Link to the Past Nintendo Power Comic" kind of way. And most of all I--unlike you-- am NOT a complete screw-up. Gordon: You're right. I dropped the ball big time... And I suppose I could be described as something of a failure right now... Etna: You mean a complete failure... Flonne: Shhh! You're not supposed to interrupt the Big, Self-Disclosing, Dramatic Speech between the Long-Time Anime Rivals! SHEESH! Gordon: But even though I f**ked up big time, I know I STILL have the spirit of a hero burning inside of me! And now that I know who the real bad guy is, I'm going to go right out, kick his ass, and redeem myself! Tonight, I will taste, the sweet, sweet meat of VICTORY! Kurtis: Fine. Here are some appetizers, then... EDF Soldiers: *muffled breathing* Laharl: Oh great. The Michelin Men are back... MEANWHILE... Vulcanus: Gloat, gloat, exposition, exposition.....and now back to our show... Flonne: Yikes! I'm sensing an evil presence close by. Laharl: Um, that would be me. Flonne: No.. It wasn't you... This was a "Darth Vader" type evil. You're more of a "Problem Child 3" type evil... Laharl: Whatever. Let's just hurry and get this over with... Jennifer: *sigh* *mope* Flonne: APOLOGIZE TO HER ALREADY, YOU INSENSITIVE CLOD! Gordon: What? You talking to ME? Oh....well..I suppose I did bear at least a little of the blame for this... Jennifer: No, Gordon. *Sigh* This was all MY fault...You see, there's something about me that you don't know. Some really big, dark secret that I will reveal to everybody right n---- Laharl: --You might want to put that plot development on the stove and let it simmer awhile, toots, because we've got company. Kurtis: Hello again. Well, I can see now who the REAL threat is around here...Care to have a go at it? Laharl: You mean, fight in hand-to-hand combat, right? Kurtis: Of course. Laharl: *whew* *FIERCE BATTLE* Laharl: This can't be all you've got. Kurtis: It isn't, but I don't want to injure the Very Imporant Person who's standing close to us. Flonne: Aww. He's got a crush on me... Etna: Gordon, you know that Crazy Award Flonne gave you earlier? Well.... she needs it back now... Spaceship: RUMMMBBLLEE!!! Gordon & Jennifer: IT'S THE SPACE BATTLESHIP GARGANTUA! OH MY! Kurtis: Say hi to the afterlife for me, suckers. Oh, and I almost forgot. Jennifer. Your Dad wants to see you. Come with me. Jennifer: I don't think so, beak-nose. Gordon: Gee, Jennifer. I thought your Dad was dead. Hey, this wouldn't have anything to do with that big secret about yourself that you alluded to earlier... Kurtis: Big secret? Oh, you mean the fact that her foster father is General Carter? Gordon: Yipes. That's a BIG SECRET allright... Jennifer: Father wants to exploit me again? Allright... Just this once...I guess... Gordon: No way, Jennifer! You know the only one who is allowed to exploit you is ME! Look...I don't care whose daughter you are! You're MY assistant! Etna: And the reason she'd want to continue working for a cad like you is--? Gordon: Shut it, you! Jennifer! Listen to your heart! What does it say? Jennifer: It says...that despite my intelligence, strength and general competence, that I should advance the plot by feebly allowing myself to be captured by the enemy. Kurtis: The enemy being, of course, me. Yoink! *kidnap* *flies off* Gordon: JENNIFERRR!!! Flonne: Ooh! It's REALLY getting good now! Er..I mean.. How awful! Gordon: I'm screwed. Life sucks. Laharl: CLIFFHANGER!!
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:22:00 GMT -5
Seraph: Well, OUR plans are shot to hell, thanks to the humans getting involved. ?: They DO seem to have a particular talent for f**king things up, don't they? Even so, I can't help but think that, in this case, they had someone non-human helping them behind the scenes. Seraph: Gee, I wonder if my power-hungry, bellicose, suspicious-acting second-in-command would know anything about that... ?: Don't sweat it. I'll look into the matter. You just keep standing there looking sleepy-eyed and indifferent. As usual. Seraph: Roger... Laharl: So, the humans are looking to muscle in on my territory... Etna: Looks that way. Gordon: I figured out where the Gargantua is! Laharl: You did? Wow, Gordon. You're actually starting to demonstrate simple competence. Etna: Yeah. I'm scared. Isn't YOU demonstrating simple comptetence one of the Signs of the Apocalypse? Gordon: Well... It was actually Jennifer who programmed the ship's location into Thursday's navigation system. She must've known this was going to happen. Laharl: Yeah. Poor girl. How sad....... Welp! That Armada isn't going to destroy itself! Let's roll! Etna, Gordon & Flonne: Righty-o! Laharl: KAME-HAME-f**kING-HAAAAAAA, HUMANS! EDF Fleet: Ka-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!! General Carter: Never fear! We have numbers on our side! EDF Soldier: Not anymore we don't! General Carter: What the--? We're being wiped out by a SINGLE DEMON? How is that possible? Laharl: Because (a) it's necessary to further the plot (b) I am the baddest ass in the entire game, and (c) because I am EXTREMELY PISSED... Etna: You're not so pissed that you'd destroy the ships before giving the humans a chance to bail out of them. Flonne: Yeah. You're getting to be a real softie, Laharl... Laharl: I am not. Flonne: Are too! Laharl: AM NOT AM NOT! AM NOT! Flonne: ARE TOO! ARE TOO! ARE TOO ! Times infinity! Thursday: BEEP BLIP...HATE TO INTERRUPT YOUR WITTY TRACY AND HEPBURN-ESQUE REPARTEE BUT....INCOMING! Astro Cannon: BAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Flonne: So that's the EDF's super-duper secret weapon... We should probably try avoiding it while we break into the ship.. Laharl & Etna: Aww. But where would be the fun in THAT? Flonne: Sheesh! And you guys say I'M lacking in logic.... Jennifer: Hoo boy. That was some nightmare. I dreamt I went from being a fan-service-y yet capable, kick-ass anime heroine to being a pathetic damsel-in-distress... Kurtis: That was no nightmare. Jennifer: Kurtis! What are you doing? Kurtis: I'm waking you up so I can put you back to sleep and then, presumably, do horrible, unspeakable things to your body. Before that happens, though, would you care to listen as I smugly relate certain tantalizing bits of my tragic backstory? Jennifer: Does this answer your question? *blood-curdling scream* Gordon: Funny. That blood-curdling scream sounded just like Jennifer. Flonne: It WAS Jennifer, you numb-noggin! EDF Soldiers: *muffled breathing* Laharl: Oh great. More of THESE GUYS. *Sigh.* So it would seem humans have no short-term memory capacity whatsoever... Thursday: BLIP BEEP BEEP...THESE GUYS AIN'T HUMAN, BUB.... Gordon: Careful! These are super-duper super-human androids created by Kurtis!.....Gee.... y' know, I sure hope that blood-curdling scream we heard Jennifer emitting earlier wasn't on account of Kurtis turning her into a cyborg against her will... Laharl: A cyborg? Etna: This being ANIME™, may we automatically assume it's a... Flonne: ...giant, rampaging monster MechaJennifer perhaps? Gordon: Wow. That's some imagination you guys have got there. I think the laser eyes and the gigantic Metallic Brassiere of Death may have been a bit over the top, though... Thursday: INCOMING MESSAGE FROM GENERAL CUEBALL... General Carter: So, Captain Dumbass, I see you're still fighting us. And still too stupid to realize that this war we're waging is for the benefit of the human race. Don't you see? We HAVE to conquer the Netherworld! The Earth is completely f**ked up and unlivable! Laharl: And whose fault is THAT? Geez, your planet's crappy leadership makes Gordon look intelligent! Gordon: Yeah! It makes ME look---HEEEEY! General Carter: Why don't you all just shut up and die now? Gordon: Hah! Fat chance, fatso! There's NOONE who can defeat us! Kurtis: Wanna bet? Gordon: Kurtis!...Ah...So...At long last, now is the time for our big dramatic, final, mano-a-mano confrontation... Kurtis: No. Now is the time I add depth to my character by letting you in on the tragic events of my past and how they came to motivate my present actions. Laharl: Yawn. Wake me up when it's clobberin' time again... Flonne: Jeez. Way to spoil the dramatic tension, Laharl... Kurtis: Fine...Screw the character development. You guys want to rumble? Let's rumble... *RUMBLE* Kurtis: Poopy. I lost. Welp, Gordon. Looks like you're the true Defender after all. I await your finishing blow. Laharl & Etna: One finishing blow, comin' right up! Flonne: Oh no you don't! Gordon: She's right! You can't kill him! Kurtis didn't die in the fight, so that means, according to the rules of Video Game Cliche, that he now gets to undergo a complete moral flip-flop, switch sides, and fight for our team. Kurtis: It would seem you are correct, although I'll have to give y'all a raincheck, seeing as how my batteries are low. Oh and btw, you might want to watch out for Jennifer. *falls unconscious* Gordon "Watch out for Jennifer?" THAT sounds ominous... Laharl, Etna & Flonne: THAT sounds like we've got a GIGANTIC, LASER-EYE-SHOOTING, METALLIC BRASSIERE OF DEATH-WEARING MECHAJENNIFER ON THE LOOSE!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!! Gordon: Hey! I'M the one who's supposed to be jumping to wild, irrational conclusions around here! Oh nevermind, let's go find Carter and kick his mustache in. General Carter: Greetings, future victims. Jennifer and I have been waiting for you... Jennifer: .... Laharl: Hey, she's not a hundred foot-tall rampaging cyborg of death! Weeeeak. General Carter: She can still kick your ass, thanks to the neural override device I had implanted in her. Flonne: Riiiight. You expect us to believe that, baldy? This delicate creature couldn't hurt a fly. Jennifer: *Triple Strike* *Tiger Strike* Gordon: WAAAHHHHHHH!!!! *THUD* Etna: Yow. I bet you're wishing you were a fly right now, aren't you, Gordon? Gordon: So, Jennifer's a kung-fu expert? That's news to me. Carter: I'm not surprised. You're about as observant as a bagful of blind beavers. Gordon: What are we going to do? I can't use my full strength against Jennifer... Etna: --Not that it would make much of a difference if you could. The results would still be the same: She'd kick your ASS. (to be continue...)
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:22:44 GMT -5
Gordon Look, Miss Smartypants, if YOU'VE got any suggestions, I'd sure like to hear them! Laharl: Um...Let's blow up the ship? Flonne: I think he meant intelligent suggestions... Kurtis: Never fear! The Green Avenger is here! Fresh from my nap, filled with righteous indignation, and ready to show you how a TRUE HERO fights! Jennifer: HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! *power up* Kurtis: UOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *power up* Laharl: So a true hero fights like a Dragonball Z reject?
General Carter: Enough of this! I'm going to use the bomb I implanted inside Jennifer's neural override device to blow you all up, (although why I didn't think of doing this sooner is anyone's guess.) Kurtis: Ha! I made that device, and as such, I know EXACTLY how to disarm it... *KI BLASTS* *SPECIAL EFFECTS* Kurtis: Of course, I could've just made a gadget with a button that said "disarm bomb installed in neural override device" but this way is much flashier and way more impressive, as you can see. UUOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *FLASSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!* Gordon: It's also much MORE LETHAL. Kurtis: True, but on the upside, I do get a touching and memorable death scene with some pithy final words. Gordon: Well, they're not as pithy as "I'm comin' Liz'beth" or "Either these curtains go or I do" but they're still plenty moving. Laharl: Here cracks a noble heart. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...and all that jazz. Etna: Well aren't YOU nice all of a sudden? Laharl: Shut it, you! Don't think that my helping guide Kurtis' soul to the other side means that I've gone soft. I'm still the same cold-hearted, delinquent little bastard I've always been. Flonne: Riiiight. Jennifer: So Kurtis bought it because of me. Well, don't I feel guilty... Gordon: Does my agreeing to treat you as an equal and not speak condescendingly to you anymore make you feel any better, Jennifer? Jennifer: A little, but I can think of something that would give me even MORE satisfaction... Carter: Now hold on, young lady! I'M your father! Have you forgotten all the things I've done to --er, FOR you? Jennifer: Feh. I should've known you were a crappy parent! (My first clue should've been when you first allowed me to walk out of the front door dressed like THIS)...Now then...Prepare to eat fist, baldy! *Flashies* Angels: .... Flonne: Waaaa? What are angels doing helping a guy like THIS? Etna: Well there's a plot twist for ya! Methinks something is rotten in the state of Celestia. Flonne: No way! *BATTLE* *SEVERE ASSWHUPPIN* General Carter: Well, you may have won THIS round, but I'LL be ........making my cowardly escape now! Mwa-HA! Gordon: Damn. General Carter: Well, THIS invasion was a complete bust! That guy was totally wrong about demons! Mid-Boss: What guy? General Carter: Oh, you know. That guy with the--WHO ARE YOU AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET INTO MY ESCAPE POD? Mid-Boss: If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Ah well. I'll just go ahead and kill you anyway....unless... you'd care to tell moi who's been helping you. General Carter: Okay, I'll sing! It was some guy with white wings! Mid-Boss: Ah, well. That narrows it down. Welp, today's empty threat session is over. You be a good boy now, y'hear? Otherwise I'll have to get all "Damien from The Omen" on your ass. *vanish* General Carter: Meep. Gordon: So it would seem we've fufilled our "one tragic character death quota" for this game. What happens next? Flonne: We go to Celestia and find out why the Seraph has been jerking me around! Laharl: CLIFFHANGER!!!!.....Again.
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Post by ravenwithoutcause on Dec 12, 2004 22:25:30 GMT -5
Flonne: I've decided to go back to Celestia and ask the Seraph what the dilly-o is with that whole "invading the Netherworld" thing. Laharl: I'm going with you, but I don't want anyone to think it's because I, you know, CARE about you or anything. Etna: Of course not. *sings* Laharl and Flonne sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-- Laharl: SILENCE! Jennifer: Aw. Puppy love... <3 so cute.. Gordon: We'll come with you. After all, someone has to be around to keep you two from succumbing to your youthful, hormone-driven urges. Thursday: AFFIRMATIVE ...AND I CAN BE YOUR VIRGIN ALARM....BEEP BLIP.... Laharl: Urge to kill, maim, and grind into a fine powder...RISING.... Flonne: Here we are, the Gates of Celestia! I'll do the honors, since only angels can open it. Gate: *FLASH* *OPEN* Mid-Boss: Bonjour, mes amis! Welcome to paradise! (Of course, I'm being redundant here, seeing as how anywhere I show up automatically becomes paradise...) Laharl: I thought you said only angels can open this gate... Flonne: Shyeah. That's what I THOUGHT... There's something WEIRD about this guy. Mid-Boss: Nope. I'm just an ordinary demon...passing through here on no particular errand whatsoever...*whistles* Laharl: Riiiight..... Mid-Boss: Okay, the REAL reason I'm here is to test your strength! Defeat me and these high-level monsters and I shall give you something. Laharl: More pathetic excuses, I suspect. Mid-Boss: Nope. It's...some encouragement and some profound, philosophical musing on the nature of good, evil, and teamwork! Laharl: I much preferred the pathetic excuses. Mid-Boss: Welp. Moi's work here is done! See you at the resolution! Ta-ta! *capers off* Jennifer: Ah, friendship between rivals! How stirring. How inspirational... Laharl: How nauseating...Let's keep moving, shall we? Vulcanus: Master Lamington! Flonne and her crack army of demons are invading the Netherworld! You want I should ruthlessly crush them underfoot? Seraph: No, just capture them. Vulcanus: What's that you said? Destroy them all? Consider it done! Flonne: Look! Full-fledged angels! Angels: Target sighted. Prepare for termination. Flonne: Uhhh, there seems to be some kind of mistake here... Angels: No mistake. It says "Bludgeon cutesy angel trainee and her merry band of rag-tag misfit followers to death" right here in the orders we were issued. Plain as day. Laharl: Forget it, Flonne. No point trying to reason with this bunch of flying monkeys... Etna: Yeah. It looks like we're going to have to use a different form of persuasion on them... Flonne: But. I'm a Celestian! I don't believe in violence! Laharl: That never stopped you from using it before... Flonne: You're right... Let's go kick some angel hinder! Angels: AIEEE! *splut* ?: Well, we've succeeded in getting the principal cast to risk their lives and come all the way out here without giving them the slightest hint about our true intentions. Seraph: Yes...we're a couple of real bastards, aren't we?.... So then, you think our little pawns have any chance of winning? ?: About as good a chance as this game has of wrapping up with a lucid, comprehensive, and emotionally satisfying ending. Seraph: ....That bad, eh? Vulcanus: So, Flonne... We meet again... Flonne: Master Vulcanus...You're looking...less scary today... Etna: THAT'S an angel? Looks more like a B-movie heavy to me... Jennifer: Yup. That guy definitely has a mug like a villain. Vulcanus: Sticks and stones may break my bones...and now I'm going to break yours! Flonne: Master Vulcanus, if you'd just listen to reason... Vulcanus: Pah! Don't think your stupid "reason" and "logic" are going to work against me! I'm totally right in thinking that demons are evil and that humans are stupid! Flonne: Are not! Vulcanus: Are too! Flonne: Are not! YOU'RE the one who's evil and stupid! Laharl: That's it, Flonne. Read him the Riot Act! Jennifer, Etna, Thursday and Gordon: You GO, girl! Vulcanus: Grrr! Fools! Call ME a villain! Pah! Such a notion is entirely ridiculous! ....Now then, if you don't mind, I'm just going to leave my henchmen here to destroy you all while I bugger off for no explainable reason. Bye! *vanish* Angels: Die. Laharl: No. YOU die. *swing* *slash* *pow* Angels: BLARG! *die* Laharl: Well, THAT was boring. Where's that Seraph guy? I'd like to go a couple rounds with him. Flonne: Well, I'm going to continue to have faith in him. Gordon: Atta girl. I'm sure everything will turn out okay. After all, blind, insane optimism has never failed us before! Laharl: Neither has mindless violence. Guess which of these I have more faith in? Vulcanus: So, Miss Flonne...... It seems you have a nasty habit of...surviving... Gordon: Uh-oh! He's starting to talk like a James Bond villain! Which can only mean he's luring us into some kind of trap! Vulcanus: Silence, you classless, addle-brained, overacting, Science Fiction movie cliche! Gordon: Overacting? Why you--!! Vulcanus: THIS will shut you up!*summon* Flonne: He summoned demons! POWERFUL demons! Thursday: DANGER..DANGER...DEMONS FAR TOO POWERFUL TO COMPUTE ODDS OF VICTORY...SUFFICE TO SAY...WE'RE SCREWED....BEEP BLIP.... Etna: No shiat, Robby.....This is all your fault, Laharl, for setting such a bad example for your subjects. Laharl: And I don't suppose there's any way these super-demons could've learned their traitorous, greedy, underhanded behavior from YOU, Etna... Vulcanus: Enjoy your untimely and highly ironic deaths! Mwa! *vanish* Laharl: Welp, looks like Tin Can Man was right. We're screwed. Gordon: Screwed, blooed, mooed and tattooed... Etna: Dude... ?: But wait! All is not lost, for you see...I HAVE ARRIVED JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME! Laharl: And you are--? ?: Don't you recognize me? The eyes flashing with righteous indignation, the proud, burning spirit, the bold stance of a hero resolute with grim, heroic determination!!! Everyone: .... ?: Fine....It's me..........Kurtis... Jennifer: Kurtis?! But... aren't you supposed to be in Heaven now? Kurtis: Yeah, well...Turns out I was too evil to be let in, so I got slapped with community service instead. So here I am. Ready to serve my community! Everyone: ..........BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!! OMG!! SO KAWAII!!! Kurtis: Oh, this is mature. I guess you guys don't really need my help, do you? Gordon: On the contrary. We find your presence very inspiring. Etna: And, since Mid-Boss has decided to become all serious and shit, we'll need SOMEONE to take over his role as comic relief. Kurtis: ....I should've just let the demons eat you, shouldn't I? Laharl: Probably. But seeing as you're already here, you might as well lend us a hand, er flipper. Kurtis: ....Fine. **LONG, UNGODLY HARD BATTLE** Super Demons: CROAK!! Jennifer: Welp, now we've only got Mr. Big and Fugly to take care of. Angels: No unauthorized personnel allowed in the Seraphic Sanctuary. Get lost! Flonne: Uh-oh! They have an unbreakable forcefield! Laharl: Let's try and break it then. THEY TRY, THEY FAIL... Flonne: No! We'll never be able to break it by attacking it separately! We must unite together in love and friendship and focus all our powers upon it at once! Laharl: I'm all for that. Except for the love and friendship part... THEY TRY AGAIN. Forcefield: *SHATTER* Flonne: We did it! Next stop! The Hall of Justice! Etna: Isn't that where the Superfriends live? Laharl: Yes, although I doubt if we'll be seeing any ambiguously gay, spandex-wearing agents of good running around this joint. Etna: One never can tell with THIS game. It had friggin' SPACEMEN after all, didn't it? Vulcanus: So, Flonne. It seems I underestimated you...again. Laharl: Well, it would seem there IS one disgusting agent of good running around here. Etna: Fortunately, he is NOT wearing spandex... Vulcanus: Silence! Don't you all want to hear me reveal my nifty Ultimate Plan? Vulcanus: Why bother? It'll probably turn out to be something petty and stupid. Vulcanus: No it's not! My big Ultimate Plan is...... to Rule the Universe! Laharl: Petty, stupid, AND uncreative...
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